Renegade Issue 30

8-9 / 100

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WOW, I sometimes wonder about the people I meet.... Being
so cheap puts me in “questionable” places and situations quite
frequently. I should also admit that I attract weirdos! People
like to think that it is because of the pink hair but even when
my hair was blond I was attracting an equal number. I can’t
actually put a finger on “It”, but whatever “It” is, I most definitely
have it!
A couple weeks ago I was at a local discount store and they
had a cart with expired medications, creams, tests, etc. in it
for $1 each. I like to check
ALL deals and it just so
happened that I was look-
ing to stock up on con-
tact solution. Since most
things don’t actually expire, I had stocked up a few years ago
at this same store. All the planets aligned that day and they
had contact solution for not only a $1 a bottle (what I had paid
before), but TWIN packs for $1.00! I was praising the sweet
Lord above as I was putting all 12 boxes (24 bottles) into my
cart as fast as I could. As to not miss anything else that might
be hiding in there, I continued to rummage through all of the
expired items. Always on full alert, I saw a guy walk past me
and then pretty soon, he turned around, came back and said
in his best seductive pick-up line “Looking to buy you some
meds?” REALLY? Is that the best you can do? What do I
look like, some sort of meth addict that just found a stash of
pseudoephedrine.
As I was putting all of my wares away, another guy pulls
up that I didn’t recognize and asks me if I can do a favor
for him. I’m thinking WTF and tell him “That depends”. He
goes on to tell me that if I see Caveman to tell him that he is
looking for him. I ask “Who the hell is Caveman?” He then
proceeds to tell me lies
of how I ride with a lo-
cal club.......He gives
me his phone number
and I file it where I file
all the other ones- guys who make up stories to talk to me.
Same day I was coming out of Tractor Supply with my large
cube of aspen bedding for the hedgehogs. I thought I heard
someone comment, but wasn’t sure if I was hallucinating or
if it was in fact a living person trying to talk. I looked to my
right and there was a lady with a bunch of bags beside her
sitting down next to the store. She then asked in a real pe-
culiar voice “Hey, where you from?” to which I replied “Here”.
“ I a t t r ac t we i r dos ! ”
own gifts? This is what I do now!
When I was younger my friend’s sister was going to the next
county to buy booze. I believe I ordered up a bottle of Peach
Schnapps or something like that. Well we never got it and
the next day I got a call from my friend that I needed to pay
$75 to her sister. I asked for what? She said that her sister
had received an “over possession of alcohol” ticket so we all
needed to pitch in and pay it. I promptly told her that my $9
bottle of Schnapps did NOT make her get a ticket and what
the hell was she doing in the first place to get pulled over.
Everyone else just anted up as to not cause any problems. I
guess people underestimate me and don’t understand that I
don’t give a fuck about being accepted.
When I was in grade school we had these teachers who
would come in and take up our recess once a week. I was
in second grade, so I was seven years old when I decid-
ed that I wasn’t going to take it anymore. I believed that if
you wanted to go to Church, you could go on Wednesdays
and Sundays and/or
if you wanted the les-
son during the recess
time, you should have
a choice. I along with
a boy in my class decided to get up and walk out and
proceed to go about playing in the school yard. Of course,
this was the first of many rebellious actions and reprimands
to come.
Here’s just how crazy my life is...... I got HIT yesterday while
in town doing my monthly shopping trip! Two nights before
Gabe and I had went fishing. Gabe had just caught two pret -
ty good sized fish so I was in a hurry to get a worm back on
my hook and BOOM; I fell into a huge hole. So the next day I
scheduled a visit to my chiropractor. While in town, I decided
to schedule a massage before getting my back aligned but
they were booked solid. I went to back out, looked not once
but twice, was inching the truck out into traffic when BOOM,
I got hit. The lady must have been FLYING over that hill to
have not been in view when I checked. So needless to say
that upon telling the office that I fell into a hole and was liter-
ally just in a car wreck, they all started laughing!
I have not had good luck on the highways or in parking lots,
as you well know if you have read any of my previous sto-
ries. Once I was sitting in a turning lane when a guy eating
a hamburger and talking on his cell phone hit me. I figured it
was cut and dry so I had nothing to worry about. I was over-
whelmed when the cop handed ME a ticket for trying to pass
the guy! I later found out through my insurance company
that the guy was an off-duty cop. I proceeded to take the
case to court, was prepared to use the chalkboard to draw
up the incident but the case got thrown out due to the guy
not showing up.
One day I rode my bike in, went to the bank and when I came
out there was a car parked in MY parking spot right beside
my bike!!!! I just couldn’t believe it. Another time I was at the
grocery store in a Camaro when I came out to find another
vehicle totally entangled in my front grille. I called the cops;
“You look like a hippie!” she proclaimed in her weird voice.
Shocked and bewildered, I walked on laughing. I guess wear-
ing a bandanna, pink hair and some tie dyed jeans made her
think that I must be passing through and that I couldn’t pos-
sibly be from Arkansas!
After getting more work done to my Knucklehead sleeve last
month, I went over to a discount store in the next town. I was
looking at some fabric thinking maybe I should start making
my own bandannas. This lady started talking to me and said
that she had about 20 bandannas that were totally kickass;
proclaiming that they were so exotic, so bright and colorful,
unlike anything she or anyone had ever seen! She went on
for minutes of how I would love them and how they were to-
tally “me”. This intrigued my inner self since I am a bandanna
connoisseur so I took her phone number down.
So a few weeks later, while Gabe was getting tattoo work
done, I called her. I told her several times that I would be
willing to look at them, couldn’t promise that I would buy any
of them but that if I did
like ‘em, I of course
had cash to do so. So
we met down the road
and as soon as I saw
the first one she pulled out I realized what a mistake I had
made and that my first impression of the lady was correct- that
she was fucking CRAZY with a capital C. I tried to put my
gut feelings aside as she was whipping out all the bandannas
onto the tailgate. Yep, just run of the mill, generic bandannas!
OMG, I couldn’t believe it. When I told her that I didn’t like any
of them, she proceeds to put her hand on my head and pre-
tends to slam my head into the truck!!! The thoughts going on
inside my head were SO extreme, it was a wonder my head
didn’t just spontaneously combust and blow off!
Thinking that possibly I could make some money off of the
bandannas, I decided to ask how much she was wanting for
them. I picked up two of them and she said “Just give me
$5.00”, like she was doing me a favor! BITCH, these are
$1.00 each BRAND NEW at Wal Mart, plus most of them were
STAINED!!!! Needless to say we left and the woman was so
pissed she actually GAVE me one of the bandannas! WOW,
people are so fucking weird and crazy. WHY, WHY, WHY do
I not always trust my first instinct?????????
Maybe I just have a problem with authority and people trying
to “make” me do things.....When I was in college working in
the library, the PAID workers decided that they wanted to buy
a coffee pot. They tried to “force” all of us work-study students
to each pay some money. I told them I didn’t drink coffee so
why the hell would I want to contribute to a coffee pot. At my
first day of work at a motel, a girl came up to me asking for do -
nations to buy someone there a gift. Since I didn’t know this
person, I said “No thanks. I took this job because I needed
money, not because I wanted to buy people gifts.” I just have
never understood the reasoning behind this and how the ma-
jority of people JUST GO ALONG!!!! Just like those office
Christmas parties when I used to be out in the workforce, hell,
for that matter, even when I was in high school. I chose NOT
to participate because it was very unlikely that I was going to
get something that I would like. Why wouldn’t I just buy my
9
“JUST GO ALONG!!!!“